Face-off-Friday #1

Cats vs. Dogs

As someone who doesn’t own a pet and who has no desire to, I thought I would be the perfect person to solve this problem. I do have to admit beforehand that I am a dog person. I do promise that this will in no way influence this Face-off-Friday. (Yeah right!) I have never owned a pet before, so I have no idea what I’m talking about. But, really, who cares? This blog doesn’t make sense anyway.

Let’s start with cats. There are two types of cats. You have the independent adventurer and the attention seeker. When it comes to taking care of the independent adventurer, things are pretty simple. Just make sure you feed them. That’s pretty much it. They spend most their time outside, which is perfect if you don’t want to be surrounded by your pet all the time, I guess. I mean, then why did you get a pet in the first place? But okay.
They are pretty much the teenagers of cats. They spend most there time getting into trouble, but always come back home with their tails between their legs. They eat anything they can get their paws on and at the end of the day throw it all up again. (Which is your cue to clean it all up.) These are also the type of cats that will ignore you if you do something wrong. They are geniuses at the silent treatment. Give them love and they will become your best friend, but be too much of a control freak and they will hate you for it.
Then there is the attention seeker. These are the indoor cats. (Do you call it that?) It’s just cats that don’t go outside. Taking care of an attention seeker is a lot of work. They don’t just want you to feed them. No! They will follow you around, everywhere you go.
They are the toddlers of cats. They still need you to take care of them. They cry a lot if you don’t pay them enough attention. They also tend to sit on the things you’re using. Are you working on your computer? That’s too bad. I really, really, want to sit on your keyboard. Are you on the toilet? Well, that’s unfortunate, because I really want to sit in your trousers. Try pulling them up then! Are you sleeping? That’s so sad, because I really want you to pet me. So, I’m just going to keep licking your face until you do.
The attention seekers will take up a lot of your time, but they do keep you warm. Give them enough attention and they will never leave you, but neglect them and they will get vengeance.

On to the dogs, men’s best friend. Dogs have two types as well. You have the loyal giant and the yapping mouse. Let’s start with the loyal giant. For me, the loyal giants are the bigger sized dogs that love to learn. They are the overachievers. They want nothing more than to learn and to play. The thing with these dogs is that they really don’t realize exactly how strong they are. They can seriously hurt you if you don’t train them right.
These dogs want to learn and will always be there for you. They do forgive a lot and expect only little in return, but if you have gone too far. It will be hard to win back their trust. They will always be waiting for you at the door when you come back home. Just don’t forget that these dogs take up a lot of space and need to go outside as often as possible. (Again, what do I know, right?) Teach them new tricks and they will always have your back, forget about them and they will never trust you again.
Then we have the yapping mouse. Or as I like to call them the watch-out-you-don’t-step-on-them terriers. They are the small dogs that just seem to keep barking, no matter what. They are loud, but also really funny. They never sit still and are pretty much always happy. They can literally run around the room all day until they’re tired, take a quick nap, and start all over again. They don’t need much to be happy. They’re pretty content as it is.
Just make sure you don’t lose them! They are so tiny they can get in pretty much any crawling space they can find. As for the yapping, just keep in mind you love this little rascal. And if you don’t, just get rid of it! (Just kidding people!)
Let them run around and they will always keep you entertained, but try to slow them down and they will become your worst nightmare.

I once saw this post on the internet, and I think it perfectly describes this Face-off-Friday.
Cats: People feed me. I must be a God!
Dogs: People feed me. They must be gods!

Have a nice Friday.


ThankfulThursday #1

This Thursday I’m thankful for Colin Firth.

A week ago I saw Kingsman: The Secret Service and it was mind-blowing. (Literally! If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go watch the movie. I mean, it is really Mind-Blowing! Your mind will blow up.) It’s funny, suspenseful and just really amazing. When you leave the cinema you just know that this movie was worth every penny.
The movie is basically a present day version of King Arthur. Now that I come to think of it, that isn’t even close to what this movie is. It’s so much more. It’s something I have personally never seen before. I really have no idea how to describe it. So all I can say is: ‘It’s not that kind of a movie.’
It’s not any kind of movie.
Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Firth turn this movie into an entirely new experience. In this movie Colin Firth reminds us what being a true gentleman is all about. To use his own words: ‘Manners maketh man.’ He has class, but can still kickass. And who doesn’t like a man in a nice tailored suit?
Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson shows us what a true villain is supposed to look like. I mean what villain has these amazing dinner parties, with probably some of the most powerful people in the world, and serves them McDonald’s. I mean, only a true evil mastermind could think of that.
Their scenes together are just pure genius. What do you get when you put a true gentleman and an evil mastermind together?  -Cinema gold!

Colin Firth, once again, proves to the world that he can play any role you throw at him. He also proves that it’s okay to have a crush on a 54 year old man. And I mean, it isn’t just this amazing piece of art Colin Firth has given to the world. Think about it. Pride and Prejudice, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Love Actually, Nanny McPhee, Mamma Mia!, Dorian Gray, A Single Man, The king’s speech. And these are just some of the roles he played.

So, today I just want to take a moment to appreciate the genius that is Colin Firth. Of course, I would also like to take a moment to thank his parents for birthing him. None of this would have been possible without them.

I would like to end this post with the words of Galahad:  ‘Hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon madam.’

Have a nice Thursday.

WhateverWednesday #1

This Wednesday I have something really important to discuss. It’s something that has been bothering me for years. So be prepared, because this WhateverWednesday is going to be intense and very serious.
In the Netherlands learning the English language is very important. We rely on our international relations with other countries and since no one speaks Dutch, we pride ourselves on speaking different languages. So we learn English at a very young age. I was nine when I had my first English lessons in school. Don’t worry this isn’t the subject for this Wednesday. It is far more important!
When you learn a new language, you have to start with the basics. For us that meant counting and learning the days of the week. This is where it gets interesting. Monday? No problem. Tuesday? Also fine. But Wednesday? Are you f*cking kidding me?
Why on earth do you write it Wednesday, but pronounce it wens-day? Did you use to pronounce it wed-nes-day and somehow got tired so you changed it to wens-day? And if that is true, why not change the writing as well? It so confusing and it doesn’t make sense. I might be exaggerating a little (I tend to do that a lot). So give me a moment to cool down…
Okay, I’m cool. It’s just really confusing for a nine year old learning another language. It’s like, when you have math for the first time. All you are wondering is where did all those letters come from. That wasn’t the deal. Side note: math was one of my best subjects in school, but that’s beside the point.

I just really needed to discuss this with someone and I feel so much better now. I’m starting to realize that this blog is becoming some kind of therapy session for me. As for Wednesday, I’m just going to have to deal with it.
But, I mean whatever.

Have a nice Wensday!

How-to-Tuesday #1

This How-to-Tuesday I’m going to explain to you how to ride the train. I will be explaining some basic rules, which are pretty much applicable to any kind of public transportation.
In the Netherlands public transportation is the easiest and more importantly cheapest way to get around. We have trains, busses, trams, subways. You name it, we have it. We prefer to ride our bikes everywhere, but sometimes we have no other choice than to you use public transportation. And no one wants to arrive at the office covered in sweat from riding their bike to work.
Before I start with these simple rules, I need to explain something. In the Netherlands we use public transportation whenever we can. This doesn’t  mean we like our public transportation. Our OV (openbaar vervoer, which is the Dutch term for public transportation) is the number one thing we love to complain about. Delays, disgusting seats, annoying staff, when it comes to our OV we complain about pretty much anything. It’s pathetic, but when you live in such an economically stable country, you have to find something to bitch on about.

Let’s start with some rules.
Rule number one: Plan your trip beforehand! Know your destination and know how you can get there. Like I said, there are multiple ways of traveling in the Netherlands, so know exactly how to get to the finish line. In addition, also look up the stations you will be passing during your journey. For example, you want to go to Amsterdam central, but you’re at Haarlem station. The fastest way is the train, which will go from Haarlem station, to Amsterdam Sloterdijk station and then to Amsterdam Central. This way you don’t have to panic every time the train stops at a platform. You know exactly when you need to get out.

Rule number two: Get to the platform early. Don’t wait till the last minute. Make sure you’re on time, so you have enough time to figure out how the ticket machine works. (I mean, I could make an entire How-to-Tuesday just explaining how that thing works!)

Rule number three: Make sure you’re on the right platform! This seems pretty obvious, but you would be surprised how many people get into the wrong train.

Rule number four: Seating! This is one of the most important rules there is. It will take some time to explain, but you’ll get the hang of it. When you get into the right train, you have to find yourself a seat, and since we live in a socially awkward world, there are rules!
In the Netherlands we have the couple-seats, which are two seats next to each other. And we have the four-sitters (this probably isn’t a word, but who cares), these seats are two couple-seats facing each other. When there’s no one else in the coupé / compartment (I have no idea what you call it), you are fine. Just sit wherever you want. But if there are, pay attention!
Couple-seats: When there’s already someone sitting in a couple-seat. That’s too bad. You’re going to have to find another seat. You don’t want to sit next to someone. (Could you imagine actually sitting next to someone? Someone you don’t even know.) This is pretty much all you need to know about the couple-seats. One seat taken? Move on.
Four-sitters: This is where it gets complicated. First, if someone is sitting in the four-sitter. Don’t panic. You actually just found yourself a seat. Just be careful. Don’t sit next to the stranger and most importantly don’t sit opposite the stranger. Take whatever seat is diagonally opposite this weird looking person. Because don’t forget, we are all socially incapable of sitting next to another human being.
Okay, last but not least. If all the couple-seats and all the four-sitters are taken, you have three options. Option number one: Look for the old guy, who looks like he is dead or about to die, and sit next to him. This way you can be sure he won’t talk to you. Option number two: Look for the cutest guy / girl and sit next to them, hoping that they might talk to you. Option number three: Move on to the next coupé / compartment, or just stay at the door and wait till you get to your stop.
I could go on about seating. I mean there is the possibility that you found a seat and someone sits next to you. This is where it gets tricky, because what do you do when you get to your stop? You can’t just tell them. Okay, I’m going to explain real quick. When you’re about to get to your stop, first start packing your things. Get your bag, put on your coat or maybe you have a scarf. The point is, make sure the person next to you knows you are getting out. If they still don’t react. Look at them really uncomfortably. (Keep in mind, you are socially awkward, so you can’t just ask. I mean that would just be too much. Staring at someone uncomfortably is something you’re really good at. So stick with that.) When they look back and trust me they will. Slowly, no sudden movements, get up and smile awkwardly. This is the moment they will know. Mission accomplished!

Rule number five: Get out of the train!

Like I said, I could go on, but I think this is enough for now.

Have a nice Tuesday.

MoodyMonday #1

Mood: Pee-ful
(You see what I did there? Instead of peaceful I made it pee-ful! I’m a genius.)

Okay, let me explain.
I’m doing this thing that I have to drink two liters of water a day. Oh, sh*t. You Americans don’t say liters, do you? What do you use? Ounces?
That’s fine. Just, let me Google it. It’s like 68 US fluid ounces. (I have zero idea what that even means, but Google is never wrong.)

Okay, let’s start again. I’m doing this thing that I have to drink 68 ounces of water a day. It’s supposed to give you a smoother skin, and it’s just better for your health. I used to only drink like three to four glasses a day. That’s not even close to what you’re supposed to drink.
The thing is, I feel like my bladder is working overtime. I’m pretty sure he’s deliberately working against me. I have to pee 10 times a day and it’s not fun. It’s exhausting. You’re supposed to drink a lot of water, but this is just stupid. I suppose, I’m just not that big of a fan of going to the bathroom. I mean, who is? Here you are, doing whatever it is you’re doing and then all of a sudden your bladder starts screaming for attention. ‘Hi, you remember me? It’s your bladder. I really need you to go to the bathroom and empty me or I will explode.’ And then this countdown begins. You can ignore it for a while, but in the end your bladder always wins.
And have you ever thought about all the things that could go wrong while going to the bathroom? No, that’s fine, ‘cause I have and I’m going to tell you anyway.
Number one (no pun intended): You’re going to explode and you are running to the bathroom, but someone beat you to it. You just know you’re going to die, and your life flashes before your eyes. You can hear the person inside the bathroom flush, while you’re doing some weird dance so you don’t pee your pants. At this point, you are just praying and begging for that person to get out of the bathroom. And finally he/she does.
Number two (this one is for the women): Now, you’re in the bathroom and by this point your pants are already halfway down, and you don’t check if the toilet seat is down. You don’t have the time. You just squat! (Okay, now for the guys. I’m going to try to explain how this feels. You know that feeling when you’re asleep and you feel like you’re falling? That’s how it feels to sit down on a toilet when the toilet seat is still up. It’s feels like falling into oblivion.) So, you get back up, smash the toilet seat down and finally sit down.
Number three: First, you have this moment of release. You can hear you bladder thanking you. You know you succeeded and for a short moment you feel victorious. Just for a moment though. Because at this point you realize, there’s no more toilet paper. You feel defeat. For a short moment there is this feeling of depression. You just know there is no other solution. You are going to have to use the toilet roll.

These are just a few of the things that could go wrong.Oh, I understand that this post might make some of you uncomfortable. That’s okay. Also, I just know that at least 50% of you now have the urge to go to the bathroom. I certainly do…

Have a nice Monday.