(You see what I did there? Instead of peaceful I made it pee-ful! I’m a genius.)
Okay, let me explain.
I’m doing this thing that I have to drink two liters of water a day. Oh, sh*t. You Americans don’t say liters, do you? What do you use? Ounces?
That’s fine. Just, let me Google it. It’s like 68 US fluid ounces. (I have zero idea what that even means, but Google is never wrong.)
Okay, let’s start again. I’m doing this thing that I have to drink 68 ounces of water a day. It’s supposed to give you a smoother skin, and it’s just better for your health. I used to only drink like three to four glasses a day. That’s not even close to what you’re supposed to drink.
The thing is, I feel like my bladder is working overtime. I’m pretty sure he’s deliberately working against me. I have to pee 10 times a day and it’s not fun. It’s exhausting. You’re supposed to drink a lot of water, but this is just stupid. I suppose, I’m just not that big of a fan of going to the bathroom. I mean, who is? Here you are, doing whatever it is you’re doing and then all of a sudden your bladder starts screaming for attention. ‘Hi, you remember me? It’s your bladder. I really need you to go to the bathroom and empty me or I will explode.’ And then this countdown begins. You can ignore it for a while, but in the end your bladder always wins.
And have you ever thought about all the things that could go wrong while going to the bathroom? No, that’s fine, ‘cause I have and I’m going to tell you anyway.
Number one (no pun intended): You’re going to explode and you are running to the bathroom, but someone beat you to it. You just know you’re going to die, and your life flashes before your eyes. You can hear the person inside the bathroom flush, while you’re doing some weird dance so you don’t pee your pants. At this point, you are just praying and begging for that person to get out of the bathroom. And finally he/she does.
Number two (this one is for the women): Now, you’re in the bathroom and by this point your pants are already halfway down, and you don’t check if the toilet seat is down. You don’t have the time. You just squat! (Okay, now for the guys. I’m going to try to explain how this feels. You know that feeling when you’re asleep and you feel like you’re falling? That’s how it feels to sit down on a toilet when the toilet seat is still up. It’s feels like falling into oblivion.) So, you get back up, smash the toilet seat down and finally sit down.
Number three: First, you have this moment of release. You can hear you bladder thanking you. You know you succeeded and for a short moment you feel victorious. Just for a moment though. Because at this point you realize, there’s no more toilet paper. You feel defeat. For a short moment there is this feeling of depression. You just know there is no other solution. You are going to have to use the toilet roll.
These are just a few of the things that could go wrong.Oh, I understand that this post might make some of you uncomfortable. That’s okay. Also, I just know that at least 50% of you now have the urge to go to the bathroom. I certainly do…
Have a nice Monday.