Mood: Panicking with confidence!
Warning: If you don’t like spiders, stop reading!
I’m not someone who gets scared easily. I think being 6’1 people assume you’re not scared of anything. They certainly don’t think you’re scared of a little spider. And I won’t say I’m scared of spiders. I just don’t particularly like them. I’m fine with spiders, if they’re outside, where I can’t see them, preferably in another country.
But unfortunately, last night, this little f*cker came crawling out of his hiding place. I’m sure he just did it to annoy me. It was this fat black spider. It wasn’t really big or anything, but it was in my room. I really don’t like spiders in my room. Normally I just kill them with my shoe, but I knew that if I would smash this one he would leave a mess behind. And he knew that too. Me 0, spider 1. He’s winning. So I decided to go with plan B. What’s plan B? Simple, just grab the spider with a piece of toilet paper. I’m not that big of a fan of plan B, but I’m too lazy to go downstairs and get the vacuum and I think I’m too old to ask my dad to help.
So, right now I have my piece of toilet paper. I’m ready to kill this little creeper. That’s when the inner dialogue begins. We have two equally strong contestants. Voice one: My inner panic button. Voice two: My inner superhero. This is how the conversation goes.
Panic Button: Alert! Spider detected. High Alert!
Superhero: Just calm down, it’s fine. Just kill it. It will take like three seconds.
Panic Button: Wait! Did you see that? It just moved. It knows! It’s going to attack.
Superhero: The thing is as big as a pea. Just count to three and do it! Stop being a wuss.
I move my hand towards the spider with the piece of toilet paper. When I’m one inch from the spider I stop. I take a deep breath and start counting. One, two, three.
Panic Button: Stop! It’s looking at you. Look, look!
Superhero: What’s it going to do? Jump at you?
Panic Button: OMG, it can jump?
Superhero: Just do it already.
My hand moves towards the spider. Again I stop, take a deep breath and start counting.
Panic Button: It’s a bad idea! I’m telling you. Just take a second to think this through.
Superhero: What’s there to think about? You are a big human and he is a tiny spider.
Panic Button: Look! It’s just looking back at you with its hairy legs.
At this point I’m just staring at it. When it starts moving again, I feel shivers going down my spine. It’s just so disgusting.
Creativity: You should write your blog about this. I know, I’m a genius.
Panic Button: Yes, listen to creativity. Just pretend like you never saw the spider. There are probably hundreds of spiders crawling around your room right now. You’re not worried about them either.
I really hate panic button.
Superhero: Creativity get lost. This is taking way too long. Think about all the time you’re wasting. Just breath and do it.
This time I’m confident I can do it. I count to three and grab it. That’s is the moment that Panic Button starts speaking up again.
Panic Button: Drop the paper! Drop it! It’s not dead. It will crawl out and eat you.
In my panic I let go of the toilet paper.
Superhero: Could you just shut up! She had it. Everything was fine until you started screaming. Just pick up the piece of paper and check if it’s dead.
9 Out of 10 times I’ve killed it and feel like a superhero. (Sometimes I do a little victory dance.) But if I haven’t killed it and the piece of paper is empty, panic speaks up again.
Panic: Where is it? Do you see it? I told you this was a bad idea. It will come for you tonight when you’re asleep.
By this point I will be up all night staring at the ceiling, while my body feels itchy.
I really hate panic button! So, I’m really not scared of spiders. I’m not!
Have a nice Monday.