Why did you have to poop on me? Did I do something wrong? Did your friends dare you to do it? Maybe you just felt like it, but did you really have to aim for my face? It took me at least 10 minutes to get your shit (pardon my French) of my glasses.
And the smell!
That Truly Awful Smell.
What did you eat? Just straight up garbage? Because that’s what it smelled like.
I was so proud that no bird had ever pooped on me before. 23 YEARS! That’s how long I survived. I just wanted to get to work. I just wanted it to be a fine day! Not perfect, but fine. You ruined it! You ruined a perfectly fine day!
How would you like it if I pooped on you, huh?
Next time, think before you shit!
Have a nice Monday!
Let me start this letter by saying: HAPPY NEW YEAR! I don’t know whether your 2017 has been an amazing year that you will always remember or if your 2017 has been a year you really want to forget. But no matter if your year was unforgettable or not, it has come to an end and it’s the beginning of something new. That’s exactly why I don’t want to talk about the past in this letter. I would much rather talk about everything I hope your future will be.
I hope you will find the courage to follow your dreams.
I hope you will be able to find the answers to all the uncertainties floating through your head.
I hope you will have the strength to survive the difficult times.
I hope you will be able to cherish the happy moments.
I hope you will be loved.
I hope you will share your love for others.
I hope you will discover new adventures.
I hope you will never run out of creativity.
But most of all, I hope you will have a beautiful 2018!
Dear delivery person,
Do you really have to force my packages through our letterbox? Is ringing the doorbell really that difficult? Just because the packaging is ten times bigger than the actual item inside, doesn’t mean you can just fold the packaging and keep pushing and shoving it until it fits through the very small opening. I paid money for those items and you get paid to deliver them undamaged and in one piece. And seriously, that doorbell is there for a reason and not just to mislead the Jehovah’s witnesses.
Have a nice Monday!
Dear person who decided that we should change the hour forward (and backward for that matter),
I hate you with an undying passion.
I hope you guys have a lovely Monday, but not the guy (yes, I just know it’s a guy) who decided we should mess with the clock!
Dear woman behind the helpdesk in the Ikea,
I understand that working for the Ikea probably wasn’t your dream job. You probably dreamed of being an astronaut, or a hair dresser, or a spy, or maybe you dreamed of being a unicorn. I don’t know. But I do know that working behind that desk is the last thing that you thought you would be doing.
Yet, here you are. And here I am. We were destined to meet. Me, just trying to return a damaged item. You working to earn a living. (No, this is not going to be a love story!!!)
I also get that I’m just another customer. You don’t care. You just want this day to end. You’re probably tired. I get it! I really do. I don’t expect you to act all happy and cheerful. I don’t expect a big smile and applause when I walk up to the desk. Nor do I expect sunshine to shoot out of your ass. But I do expect you to treat me like a normal human being. I do expect you to show some decency and to actually greet me when I kindly say hallo. I get that your day probably sucked and we all have days that we just want to punch something, but I was really trying. I was trying to keep it short and to be kind. I was trying to make your day a little easier. It would have been nice if you tried too.
It turned out the item wasn’t damaged, I know, I’m just an idiot. I’m really sorry. However, this is still no reason to shove the item back into my hands and loudly shout next.
I don’t know why I even bothered saying goodbye. Because quite honestly, you just totally ruined my pretty decent day.
I really hope you guys have a better Monday!